Cherry Beach Sound is this week’s worthy recipient of the Flackster Rancid Kipper Encomium for Ridiculous PR (aka the FRKER).

A friend who works for a prominent enterprise technology publication has granted me permission to pass on this sublime example of hopelessly befuddled pitchery.

Let’s lead with the email.

>Paul,

OK – first problem. The reporter’s name is not Paul. You got one consonant correct, but I’m afraid that just isn't good enough. Please try harder.

>I have a story or press release to deliver. Something in the now, a very hot topic in all the >magazines and talk. Have a look and put it in your next issue. I have more information on the >project and I can also send you a photo of Cherry Beach Sound studios where it was mixed
>upon request.

>Truly,
[Name Removed to Protect the Guilty]
>Cherry Beach Sound

I’m almost at a loss for words. What kind of nitwit would think this was an even slightly appropriate way to approach a reporter?

“Have a look and put it in your next issue”?!

I’m sorry? How about have a cluestick and put it up yer *cough*.

Ahem. News for you, darling – press releases don’t work like this. You can’t just supply a set of cooking instructions and expect them to be slavishly followed like some recipe for pizza pockets.

1. Have a look.
2. Put it in your next issue.
3. Caution – the story you are about to enjoy may be extremely tepid.

Oh, and if this is truly “something in the now” (as opposed, presumably, to something in the history books or something in the next Wednesday at 11:16am) and “a very hot topic in all the magazines” – why on earth would my guy want to write about it too? If it’s already been in all the magazines, where’s the value in someone else covering it (whatever “it” is)?

Even better, it’s “in all the magazines and talk”. It’s in all the talk? What is it then, a conjunction? The definite article maybe? A Pinterish pause?

It goes on:

>Here is the txt for the story.

Gosh you must be one busy ass flack over there – you don’t even have time to get all your vowels into your monosyllables. Or was “txt” an attempt to be hep with the kids and hook into the SMS thang, Daddio?

>Cherry Beach Sound unleashes 5.1 Surround Sound

Look Boss! The news! The news!

>Mixing in surround brings your music forward, in your face and all around.

Um. Sounds vaguely uncomfortable. And how can it be forward, in my face, and all around all at the same time? And is that even a good thing? Maybe I don’t want my music forward. Maybe I prefer mine Bach.

>A surprisingly open sense of space enables you to hear a clarity that is unheard of in traditional stereo recordings. Having more choices to place elements in the mix gives you greater detail and more room for creativity, which makes music more fun and brings back the sense of discovery we all had when we were young.

*sigh* There’s another six paragraphs of this stuff. I’m afraid it doesn’t get much better.

The main point of the "news" (and I use that noun in the loosest possible sense of the word) appears to be a DVD release of guitar music recorded with 5.1 Surround Sound.

At no point in the release is the word “Dolby” (owners of the technology used) mentioned, by the way. For the painfully pedantic geeks out there, it’s probably worth noting that the actual technology being bragged about in this release might more accurately be described as 5.1-channel Dolby Digital. "5.1 Surround" is useful shorthand, but it's not what the thing is really called.

There's a difference. Dolby Surround has one channel, 5.1-channel Dolby Digital has two surround channels. I guess that’s why it’s so “forward”. Good job it’s not a heavy metal album. You don’t do heavy metal in Dubly, you know...

I’ll let my anonymous source have the next word on this. He commented:

In addition to the bad tone of the pitch (the command "...and put it in your magazine") the story idea itself is inane. The great scoop here appears to be that someone made a DVD recording with 5.1 Surround Sound. Hardly front-page news. Or back page.

I also love this bit:

"A surprisingly open sense of space enables you to hear a clarity that is unheard of in traditional stereo recordings."

...if only because I am sure the pun was unintended.

Chortle. My friend tactfully avoids mentioning the fact that even if this were considered a front page story, it still wouldn’t likely be a good fit for a reporter who focuses on the business impact of enterprise technology.

Now here’s the really sad part. Cherry Beach Sound have a great reputation in Toronto. Seriously. There are a number of really good recording studios here in town, and Cherry Beach are rumoured to be one of the best. I have a couple of friends in related businesses, and the word is that the Cherry Beach facilities just flat out rock.

But guys, guys - please will you get a freakin’ PR agency, for goodness sake. You don’t need to spend a lot of money. Just have a decent agency spend a couple of days with you going through the basics. Then chuck them a few grand to show you how to get some decent coverage. I promise it’ll be worth your while.

Meanwhile, on a slightly related note - any enterprising Photoshop artists out there feel like taking a stab at a graphic for the FRKER award?

This started as a one-off bit of good-natured silliness (bitchy, moi?), but I’ve had a number of people ask me to turn it into a real weekly (or at least monthly) series.

I feel the need for a logo of some kind. Maybe the initials FRKER spelled out by the ribs of a smelly old fishbone...? Drop me a note by email or comments if you feel like having a crack. Ta.